ABOUT ME
Written by David Attenborough*
Ryan England (Rhinoceros Englandus) was a fascinating discovery for modern science. The rarest of all rhino species, he pretends to be human and enters Strongman competitions.
Stronger than 99.999% of people, he has proved fiendishly difficult to capture.
Years of research lead us to the tale you are about to read.
This is a true story.
The first sighting of Ryan England was in Bristol, 1986.
He grew up in a close-knit community, attending the same school where his mother was a dinner lady. As a school boy he enjoyed football very much.
It’s mandatory for school boys to love playing football in Britain. Ryan however took it to a whole new level.
The first sign of his abnormal biology; he got crazy good at sport incredibly fast.
Whatever the game, whatever the rules, he’d usually creep into the top 100 in the world within a week. Football was the first victim.
The stir this caused in sleepy Bristol remains unmatched:
Children gambling their lunch money on how many keepy-ups Ryan could do at breaktime
His classroom in ruin as fist-fights broke out between teaching assistants, desperate to teach him to write and get an autograph
P.E teachers quitting their jobs, reputations destroyed after being outskilled by a 6 year old. Many of them never played sport again. *2
Reminder: This is a true story.
Things calmed down when an overnight growth spurt made a footballing career impractical. Ryan awoke one morning oversized and confused in a collapsed bed.
Officially qualifying as a light vehicle, his size and strength grew to that of a small hatchback. His appetite ballooned to that of a large SUV. He switched to rugby where they encourage that type of thing.
Ryan’s confidence was still intact. His unstoppable performances left opposing teams snivelling and crying at the final whistle. Rumours spread that Bristol Zoo had lost a rhino. Spectators at his local rugby field are thought to be the first stirrers.
Language experts agree that this show of resilience is where the phrase “skin like a rhino” was born. *3
Sadly, with rhino DNA dictating the flow, it wasn’t long before he had a brush with the endangered species list.
Late 2013, Bristol: A speeding vehicle collides with a van. The van is destroyed, an instant write-off. A large mammal crawls confusedly from the wreckage.
That mammal was Ryan England (Rhinoceros Englandus).
A vet confirmed he only had superficial injuries. A simple bruise on his rump, and a back injury that required rehabilitation. After several failed attempts at explaining “rehabilitation", the vet told Ryan to make his back stronger.
Uncomfortable in commercial gyms, famously designed for humans (and frequented by the most insufferable examples of them), Ryan found refuge at “Bristol’s Strongest”.
This small independent was pleased to welcome his enormous, friendly face through it’s door.
They invited Ryan to lift some heavy implements. This excited Rhinoceros Englandus, who didn’t hesitate to pick them up with an excited chuckle, before dropping them down with a grin.
He did this several times, unprompted. He soon took to charging around the building lifting anything that wasn’t tied down (and a few things that were).
The staff watched in horror as their years of training were leapfrogged, their PBs outdone, and their gym space trashed by the giggling monster.
Once more: This is a true story.
Ryan awoke next morning to several missed calls and a voicemail calling him a freak (in a nice way). The sender of the voicemail was the owner of the gym Ryan pillaged the night before.
The voicemail also invited him back to prove that his employees were telling the truth that an enormous rhino destroyed the gym. The boss suspected it was a staff party that got out of hand.
Ryan agreed to go back as he’d enjoyed the previous night, and also because the boss sweetened the deal with a free pasty. *4
Full of focus, Ryan again leapfrogged years of training and outdid gym records. The gym, however, remained unravaged…
A strange thing happened that day, something Rhinoceros Englandus had never experienced as a species. A switch was flicked that had never been on before. Insane, raw power met intense, dedicated focus.
Strongman was the outlet Rhinoceros Englandus had been searching for all his life. Somewhere his odd physiology and hulking, brutish gifts were at home.
That day, he proved beyond all doubt he was a special boy.
The boss could see he had a rare talent standing before him, and that his gym was untrashed & tidy. Needless to say, his staff were dismissed. *5
Suddenly in possession of an exciting prospect, and needing extra hands to move the equipment, the boss entered Rhinoceros Englandus into competition.
Our research was cut short here. As Rhinoceros Englandus became more adept at lifting technique and conditioning, he attracted more attention from three major areas.
Rhino poachers, a cheerfully loyal fanbase, and a certain government agency whose name consists of two letters and a number…
One of those three made it our best interest to halt all research into this species. We trust they will do a much better job and thank them for the entirely non-threatening way they negotiated the handover.
From what we can gather, Rhinoceros Englandus has gone to competitions all over the world, with sightings of him reported from Iceland to Portugal. This includes 2 appearances at Britain’s Strongest Man.
We hope this goes some way to raising awareness of this fantastic species, and if you ever see one in the wild, we beg you, please approach with caution (and a pasty).
* Not THE David Attenborough, but a bloke in the gym with the same name and no credentials
*2 Evidence shows Ryan’s ex-P.E teachers rebuilt their lives by taking jobs somewhere named “Woolworths”. We’d like to wish them the absolute best for this new endeavour
*3 Probably
*4 British word meaning a sealed, crustless sandwich
*5 If you’re reading this gentlemen, we hear Woolworths are recruiting